My Why as a Therapist

My “Why” as a Therapist

Why do this work? Surely someone else can handle it. Why on earth would I want to meet with people in some of their darkest moments, absorb the intensity of their emotions, and learn about some of the most painful things that ever happened to them? It’s a question I’ve been asked by others and although I know the reason at a core intuitive level, it can be difficult to give a purely rational explanation. I certainly can’t be content with the standard, “I just want to help people,” explanation, as if I’m a saint or super hero. I’m hardly that. To give it my best shot here, I have to recall growing up as a child and teenager. I was always the one running straight toward things others were running away from (sensibly I might add). My curiosity and the exhilaration of finding out what was “behind the curtain” of life led me to some incredible highs, the darkest of lows, and a lot of trouble.

Along the way I began to lose friends to suicide and overdose. I came to know the seriousness and finality of life’s judgment. There are things that happen that can’t be taken back, can’t be put right, and yet somehow life must continue whether we adapt and integrate it or remain crushed and flattened by it. I lingered in that space for a while unable to make the turn. In my own clumsy and mostly accidental way, I ended up having an experience with my past transforming from an anchor to an asset, the emotions dissolving away, and the thoughts that tormented me turning into epiphanies and new insights that felt like someone else’s point of view (someone healthy) becoming my own.

I had a spontaneous recovery after years of depression, trauma, and addiction that led me to writing this paragraph today. Something made me decide to seek help and run with what was naturally shifting in me while many people I grew up with remained trapped by their past, their mental health, and the vices they used to cope. As I gathered together what was left of my life at that time, it was recommended that I start helping people to keep my mind off of ruminating about my own situation. As I set out to see what effect I could have on others I quickly realized I’m not in control of anyone else’s experience, decisions, or healing process, as much as I wanted what happened to me to happen for them.

But at times when the stars aligned, I saw people take the help I offered, skip over many of the pitfalls I fell into, and go on to surpass anything either one of us expected in the beginning. I can’t predict it, control it, or will it into existence for other people, but when it happens for them I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Getting to see people have those “a ha” moments, release years of repressed trauma, and realize they are capable of so much more than they think they are became the new source of color of brightness in my life, something worth running toward again. I’m still running toward things that most people run from, but with intention, purpose, and the skills to help. It continues to reaffirm my belief that people can and do change, heal, and transform under the right conditions.

So why do I do this work? Because it’s the only thing that makes sense to me considering how many people are struggling, and how many people we are losing in these challenges times. My initial plans for my life didn’t work out and I was redirected to this work, thankfully. So I feel as though something bigger led me to this. In a world of pharmaceutical commercials on TV and big tech firms trying to treat mental health like a McDonald’s model of care, I feel it’s my duty to show up and be a real-life human willing to swim in the deep waters. The stakes are high, people’s lives are on the line, and if what I do can make the difference for someone, then that’s what it’s all been for. I can’t change things for the friends I lost who never got a chance at healing, but if I can help change things for someone who still has that opportunity, I am all in. 

Alex Penrod, MS, LPC, LCDC